thumbing through a book by mother teresa...
"Every act of love is a work of peace, no matter how small."
"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today, Let us begin."
"Love, to be real, must cost--it must hurt-- it must empty us of self."
"Seeking the face of God in everything, everyone, everywhere, all the time, and seeking His hand in every happening---that is contemplation in the heart of the world."
thinking about it...believing in it...trying to live it...
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
news...
Well...this one is gonna be a long one.
car is still not doing so well...i think i am going to have to buy another one, but used cars are always a risk and i definitely cannot afford a brand new one...so its a risk i have to take. however i think we might get a couple more estimates on my current car if i can start it to get it to any of those places.
i haven't driven since Wednesday and this morning i tried, but it was like 7 degrees outside feeling like -10...so my car was not having any luck. the cold does not help a car when it is already sick. so i guess its my turn to be driven around for awhile as it has been a role i have played with friends over the years...but it would be nice to have something working sooner than later...its hard to feel like an inconvenience for other, ya know...
i received a letter from KU the other day thanking me for applying to their Social Welfare program so that is exciting...but i will still have to wait until at least February before i know.
i had an interview with H&R Block last week, and was told that I would be getting a letter offering me a seasonal job. i told them i could work from 8am-1pm and then i still have the possibility of taking over Bea's nannying of an 11 year old boy from 3-6pm. it would put me in a great place financially and both would be pretty easy for the most part. H&R Block would be working at a call center until tax season is over and George would be difficult, but just a few hours a night.
i say he would be difficult because i am just not used to working with children that have everything they need. i see many things in George that are similar to kevs, as they both are young boys and have more responsibility that most kids their age...but in very different ways. working with kevs was hard...i mean his story is a rough one, he has seen violence, lived in poverty and has no idea where his biological family are, or what they are doing. he lives in a country that is a polar opposite of America and in all reality is happy if he gets to have an hour of your attention...to play a board game, be on the Internet or watch a movie...those things are huge privileges because in Haiti you don't have electricity all the time and he lives in a house with anywhere from 16-21 other children.
George on the other hand...is really blessed and has all these video games, and things to keep him occupied so that simple games like hang man are just NOT entertaining. to be honest i don't know how to work with it. i mean it makes me feel really lame...because what i see as fun and creative is just old school and boring to kids in his environment. i am excited to get to know him, to set boundaries with him, to be another adult investing in his life. however i am afraid that i am so far removed from his culture that i wont know how to be fun or how to express to him and help him understand how lucky of a kid he is. he has so many options not just now with things to play with, but in life as well. some kids i know are lucky to get food in their day and their toys are a stick and a tire. the other day i watched him with 3 other kids and realized its SUCH a different world. but they need love and attention and boundaries in their life as well, so we'll see how it goes. hes a great kid...just such a different world then i am used to.
then on top of that i received an invite from the brooks family to come to Georgia and be there. i think i have wanted this invitation since my week down there, but now that its really happened I'm like wait is that really the right thing?...i am having such a hard time discerning which direction the Lord wants me to go. i have had close friends tell me there is more for me than Kansas city and to go, that my heart seems so present there and to look at MSW programs there. then i have had others express that i should be what the brooks family is to me here...to make that space for others and myself here in Kansas city. others have expressed that in leaving i may never learn to adjust and just be running away from letting go of expectations and trying to learn how to live life differently in KC.
i think to an extent all of them are speaking truth from God...i do believe that God has created me for more than Kansas city, that a part of me will always be with the brooks in Georgia. however i also think that a little bit of me would be running away if i went to Georgia because i never let go of the way my life looked like in KC before i left. i think i expected to come back and hop right into the way it was before. however i cant do that...because people change, life changes, I'm not the same person. i feel God is calling me to live differently than before. if i do go to Georgia i think i will come back to Kansas city and go through the same adjustment issues all over again...in short i could spend all day talking about why i should go or shouldn't go...i have been searching for some peace of mind...and i think i am getting closer...
i could be wrong, but i am feeling more and more that sunny brooks farm in Georgia will become my safe place...that space where i retreat to often to fill my cup to overflowing...and that i am very excited about. but then again...i still don't know if that is truly the path that i will take...i am going to continue to seek counsel and above all be asking for guidance from my savior and king.
this blog seems so long, but in reality i feel i have left so many ideas, feelings and thoughts out...so here ya go, this is where i am at. each day seems to get better...i know i am blessed and for that i am continually thanking the Lord.
Merry Christmas to everyone. thank you for being in my life.
PEACE TO YOU, GLORY BE TO GOD, & LOVE LOVE LOVE
car is still not doing so well...i think i am going to have to buy another one, but used cars are always a risk and i definitely cannot afford a brand new one...so its a risk i have to take. however i think we might get a couple more estimates on my current car if i can start it to get it to any of those places.
i haven't driven since Wednesday and this morning i tried, but it was like 7 degrees outside feeling like -10...so my car was not having any luck. the cold does not help a car when it is already sick. so i guess its my turn to be driven around for awhile as it has been a role i have played with friends over the years...but it would be nice to have something working sooner than later...its hard to feel like an inconvenience for other, ya know...
i received a letter from KU the other day thanking me for applying to their Social Welfare program so that is exciting...but i will still have to wait until at least February before i know.
i had an interview with H&R Block last week, and was told that I would be getting a letter offering me a seasonal job. i told them i could work from 8am-1pm and then i still have the possibility of taking over Bea's nannying of an 11 year old boy from 3-6pm. it would put me in a great place financially and both would be pretty easy for the most part. H&R Block would be working at a call center until tax season is over and George would be difficult, but just a few hours a night.
i say he would be difficult because i am just not used to working with children that have everything they need. i see many things in George that are similar to kevs, as they both are young boys and have more responsibility that most kids their age...but in very different ways. working with kevs was hard...i mean his story is a rough one, he has seen violence, lived in poverty and has no idea where his biological family are, or what they are doing. he lives in a country that is a polar opposite of America and in all reality is happy if he gets to have an hour of your attention...to play a board game, be on the Internet or watch a movie...those things are huge privileges because in Haiti you don't have electricity all the time and he lives in a house with anywhere from 16-21 other children.
George on the other hand...is really blessed and has all these video games, and things to keep him occupied so that simple games like hang man are just NOT entertaining. to be honest i don't know how to work with it. i mean it makes me feel really lame...because what i see as fun and creative is just old school and boring to kids in his environment. i am excited to get to know him, to set boundaries with him, to be another adult investing in his life. however i am afraid that i am so far removed from his culture that i wont know how to be fun or how to express to him and help him understand how lucky of a kid he is. he has so many options not just now with things to play with, but in life as well. some kids i know are lucky to get food in their day and their toys are a stick and a tire. the other day i watched him with 3 other kids and realized its SUCH a different world. but they need love and attention and boundaries in their life as well, so we'll see how it goes. hes a great kid...just such a different world then i am used to.
then on top of that i received an invite from the brooks family to come to Georgia and be there. i think i have wanted this invitation since my week down there, but now that its really happened I'm like wait is that really the right thing?...i am having such a hard time discerning which direction the Lord wants me to go. i have had close friends tell me there is more for me than Kansas city and to go, that my heart seems so present there and to look at MSW programs there. then i have had others express that i should be what the brooks family is to me here...to make that space for others and myself here in Kansas city. others have expressed that in leaving i may never learn to adjust and just be running away from letting go of expectations and trying to learn how to live life differently in KC.
i think to an extent all of them are speaking truth from God...i do believe that God has created me for more than Kansas city, that a part of me will always be with the brooks in Georgia. however i also think that a little bit of me would be running away if i went to Georgia because i never let go of the way my life looked like in KC before i left. i think i expected to come back and hop right into the way it was before. however i cant do that...because people change, life changes, I'm not the same person. i feel God is calling me to live differently than before. if i do go to Georgia i think i will come back to Kansas city and go through the same adjustment issues all over again...in short i could spend all day talking about why i should go or shouldn't go...i have been searching for some peace of mind...and i think i am getting closer...
i could be wrong, but i am feeling more and more that sunny brooks farm in Georgia will become my safe place...that space where i retreat to often to fill my cup to overflowing...and that i am very excited about. but then again...i still don't know if that is truly the path that i will take...i am going to continue to seek counsel and above all be asking for guidance from my savior and king.
this blog seems so long, but in reality i feel i have left so many ideas, feelings and thoughts out...so here ya go, this is where i am at. each day seems to get better...i know i am blessed and for that i am continually thanking the Lord.
Merry Christmas to everyone. thank you for being in my life.
PEACE TO YOU, GLORY BE TO GOD, & LOVE LOVE LOVE
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
what a day...
I'll try to make a long story short...my car wouldn't start yesterday...had farmers tow come this morning...they got it going and took it into ford. my dad and me did some stuff until they called with the diagnostic information...looks like my catalytic converter (I'm sure i spelled that wrong/I'm not so much a car person) needs to be replaced and it will cost me almost as much as the car is worth. i don't have a job right now, nor do i really have the funds to fix it or replace it. i know the Lord has a plan, but what in the world is it. the one potential job i have lined up right now is an after school nanny job where i need the car to not only pick the boy up, but also drive him around. plus its hard to have interviews without transportation and hard to have jobs without an interview. plus cars are great to get to and from work. i know it can be done and people do it everyday, but the location i am living in now with and Bea and Shawn isn't very feasible for public transit...
all this to say...my already overwhelmed spirit is now even more overwhelmed. i am doing alright with trusting God, but have had brief moments throughout the day where i realize how ridiculous it all is...i remember that when stuff gets rough in life is never is just one thing, but multiple things...i think i did this in Haiti why cant i do it here, but some how it is so very different.
if you think of it...please be praying for my spirit and that God would guide me to whatever and however i am suppose to work this stuff out.
also if anyone has news about cars for sale/job opportunities let me know. thanks.
blessings from above,
Tasha Rae
oh and PS- car troubles are so not fun in the cold weather...I'm trying not to run away from all these issues and go to a place where i don't need so many layers and can see the pretty sun...but then again maybe all these doors closing are a few signs from God??? ;)
all this to say...my already overwhelmed spirit is now even more overwhelmed. i am doing alright with trusting God, but have had brief moments throughout the day where i realize how ridiculous it all is...i remember that when stuff gets rough in life is never is just one thing, but multiple things...i think i did this in Haiti why cant i do it here, but some how it is so very different.
if you think of it...please be praying for my spirit and that God would guide me to whatever and however i am suppose to work this stuff out.
also if anyone has news about cars for sale/job opportunities let me know. thanks.
blessings from above,
Tasha Rae
oh and PS- car troubles are so not fun in the cold weather...I'm trying not to run away from all these issues and go to a place where i don't need so many layers and can see the pretty sun...but then again maybe all these doors closing are a few signs from God??? ;)
Monday, December 15, 2008
ITS DONE!
i have officially completely the MSW application. it will be on its way safe in the mail tomorrow. pray for its arrival and all who evaluate it. i hope that they like me.
pray for it, the process and everything...i'm a lot more excited now that it is out of my hands... :)
thanks friends!
LOVE LOVE LOVE
pray for it, the process and everything...i'm a lot more excited now that it is out of my hands... :)
thanks friends!
LOVE LOVE LOVE
good news
my sister is adopting a precious little baby boy from chris' orphanage (HIS Home)!
i'm going to be an auntie!!!!
check out her blog that she has started!
http://ataylor3.blogspot.com/
i'm going to be an auntie!!!!
check out her blog that she has started!
http://ataylor3.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
its ok to go slow
I have applied to a couple jobs and also shadowed to possibly work at the church in kc i have been going to since 2002. however all doors have closed whether it was from the employer or in my spirit...it turns out i am still not ready to enter into this world here in America...its only been a little over a month and i think i was feeling i needed a job because everyone was telling me that and because it seemed the obvious next step. however my adapting is hard in words and emotions i cant even express. going to Georgia was healing, but i think it just opened up the flood gates for my tears. i break out in sobs sometimes and right after shadowing that is what i did...i sobbed in the prayer chapel for a long time listening to the Lord and my spirit...trying to figure out what is going on.
I know i was only living in Haiti for 10 months, yet a BIG piece of my heart has been there since 2002 and it never left...for a dream to have finally come true and now its ended in a sense...i don't know what to do with myself. Haiti was home, it is home, i miss the kids, i miss the culture, i miss all the little things, i miss being productive in the world, i miss doing daily life there...
then outside of that there are all these emotional things about being here, I'm not in the know when it comes to inside jokes, pop culture, i am not in a cycle or spirit of go go go, I'm filled with ALL these conveniences and unnecessary things, TV, electricity, cold weather, walking outside by myself, being out at night, i mean its such a different world.
i was blessed to spend this past Saturday night with 2 friends that also have lived and served in other countries, Africa and Korea. we talked for hours about adjusting, life there, life here...in short its OKAY to take time...one took 4 months before getting a job again, the other is going on 3 months and not planning on getting a job soon. it gave me relief to know that i wasn't the only one or that its OKAY to go slow.
then while listening to the Lord speak truth to me in my sobs on Sunday, He confirmed...He hasn't told me to get a job yet, to wait on Him, He is my comforter, and has a plan...i need to rest and have faith...doors will open and they will close...and i will continue to pray.
i think if i do get a job anytime soon it needs to be MINDLESS or with at risk families/children/youth.
so...sorry i am depressing right now...hopefully with time these will become a bit more joyous as this is the Christmas season. I PROMISE I AM THANKFUL FOR MY SAVIOR!!
have a day filled with blessings
Tasha
I know i was only living in Haiti for 10 months, yet a BIG piece of my heart has been there since 2002 and it never left...for a dream to have finally come true and now its ended in a sense...i don't know what to do with myself. Haiti was home, it is home, i miss the kids, i miss the culture, i miss all the little things, i miss being productive in the world, i miss doing daily life there...
then outside of that there are all these emotional things about being here, I'm not in the know when it comes to inside jokes, pop culture, i am not in a cycle or spirit of go go go, I'm filled with ALL these conveniences and unnecessary things, TV, electricity, cold weather, walking outside by myself, being out at night, i mean its such a different world.
i was blessed to spend this past Saturday night with 2 friends that also have lived and served in other countries, Africa and Korea. we talked for hours about adjusting, life there, life here...in short its OKAY to take time...one took 4 months before getting a job again, the other is going on 3 months and not planning on getting a job soon. it gave me relief to know that i wasn't the only one or that its OKAY to go slow.
then while listening to the Lord speak truth to me in my sobs on Sunday, He confirmed...He hasn't told me to get a job yet, to wait on Him, He is my comforter, and has a plan...i need to rest and have faith...doors will open and they will close...and i will continue to pray.
i think if i do get a job anytime soon it needs to be MINDLESS or with at risk families/children/youth.
so...sorry i am depressing right now...hopefully with time these will become a bit more joyous as this is the Christmas season. I PROMISE I AM THANKFUL FOR MY SAVIOR!!
have a day filled with blessings
Tasha
Monday, December 8, 2008
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