i can't believe that i still haven't been back to see all their beautiful faces... i can't believe that life is still going on... and yet so many are still in SO much need. i just was really overwhelmed by how rushed my life has been lately...how filled it has been with planning and yet...friends of mine...babies...and people i have invested years in are still full of fear living on edge praying for no more aftershocks and helping those in need.
i wish i was there. i wish i could hug sr. jesula and tell her i am SO proud of her for stepping up and taking on more leadership at Dorothys... and that i LOVE her. i wish i could tell sr. claudia that i am so glad she is okay. i wish i could see dyana and Claudia's new baby. i wish i could tell kevs i love him...i wish i could give emily a hug and see that she is okay. i wish i could take a trip to bercy and see all of them...let them know how glad i am that they are okay face to face...i want to tell chris how proud i am of the way she handle things... i want to do life there... if anything just for a little bit again. i guess i haven't really stopped to realize how much i miss it and really just how much i miss them... my haitian family.
i haven't even written on my blog in God knows how long... and for those of you who read my blog...or well did read my blog i'm sorry.
i was telling my best girlfriend beatriz yesterday that i haven't written in a journal pretty much since the earthquake...i mean i have written notes from church...every once in awhile something else...but not at all like i used to. i told her my journal got messed up in the earthquake...she asked 'does it have something to do with that, maybe you are associating it with that'...i said i dont know.
i know that since the earthquake i know God in a way i never knew Him before... and for some reason i just don't need a journal that much to connect with Him like i used to... that His presence is SO much more real to me than ever before... that I constantly feel in connection with Him.... how could i not... He's given me His heart...He's saved me...He's made me whole... He's walk all the roads ahead of me, with me and behind me... He is my refuge...my strength...my everything...and a journal...well perhaps its a beautiful thing... but its much deeper than any pen or pad of paper could bring. and i am very thankful.
I love Him with all my heart...and despite the tears of pain i cry for the suffering going on in Haiti i know He has won the victory...and His kingdom is HERE NOW.... its not just coming... its NOW. i know every tear i shed HE sheds much more... the pain I saw and experienced was just a glimpse of what He sees everyday...but the great part is He see all the GOLD as well.
i am striving to always see the Gold!
i know i am not suppose to go to Haiti again...not until Junior & I can go together and I am at peace with this...but watching those videos on my sister's blog was the first time i have really stopped and felt all of that in awhile... i feel like i have just been surviving... that this season of transition and preparation for what's next is good...but i have just been trying to survive it...because i want the 'what's next' but i need to really be present and not just survive...i need to feel and focus...to be productive and alive... to learn and grow and be about the now...even though i am extremely ready for what's next.
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